The Other Side

My whole website is basically a journey and to everything, there are two sides. My first post was about confidence from the already confident side. A few years and a few restarts later...this was the perfect way to celebrate 4 years of my website. Thanks for being a part of this journey and for watching the growth.

 have written this so many times but I don't know a comfortable way to talk about it but only things that don't fuel growth are comfortable as I've come to find out. I feel weird going into this next phase of my life without addressing even a fraction of the one I am exiting. The thing that has initiated my discussion on this was when someone made a remark about my life in comparison to theirs...while I was in the middle of a dark episode. The comment was barely even a week after my life made an unintentional, beautiful, grotesque, purposeful, depressing, revitalizing turn...so basically life did what it's meant to. This person was referencing last summer- Nashville: business meetings, being brought backstage, & broadway until 1 am. Texas: Miranda Lambert trip and roadtripping to various parts of the state. South Carolina: birthday trip with my friends and, again, downtown until way past my bedtime. Online: pretty & aesthetic. The comment made me nauseated and like an imposter, which I have found out a lot of people interestingly experience imposter syndrome. That was my life but not in the moment the comment was made. I was a completely different person the month of those trips to the one that followed. The comment: "I wish my life looked like yours." That is an uncomfortable comment in any sense, regardless of external factors.

When my life decided to give me a "you've been waiting to make this decision, now make it" event/sign, it shifted my emotions and perspective beyond what I anticipated. I stopped enjoying things I typically love, quit looking at social media, checking my phone, I wouldn't really eat then I'd workout for 3 hours and feel awful about myself. These cycles continued for months. Everything had something in it that just made life scary or reminded me of who I was. I am not too bitter about the situation anymore. Even in the beginning, I knew it was serving a purpose, which was the weirdest mindset to have in the moment.There was a decision I had been pondering on for a year and this just solidified what my gut knew, as it typically does. One benefit of any situation that initiates a major shift is the filtering attached to it. What and who are actually meant for you will remain through the trial and error. Everything in our lives, good or bad, will still help us reach our destinations. We will get to where we're going, no matter if we sit still and in silence for 5 months or we're racing the bullet to get to the next thing. 

I am an innately confident person. I know what I want and who I am. This time of my life was a complete 180, hence the title of this post, and I didn't think I would recover from it. It felt like I was a lego tower that got knocked over. The benefit of that, it was time to rebuild into something bigger and more structured. 

This time was an imbalance- of thoughts, feelings, actions, peace, etc. I still struggle with balance but am learning to lean into the mental health cues. I journaled a. lot. during those months. That, work/coworkers, family, and like 3 friends are what got me to the other side- to where I am now. I am back to knowing what I want and how I'm going to get there. I am innately very outgoing, smiley, happy, and talkative. This time was the complete opposite so it was nice to have people around me that could fill in those gaps while I collected myself again. I swear everything has a larger purpose than we anticipate. I used working out as a distraction method, still do, and I am now very involved in that community, and people noticed this sudden change and pulled me through- whether it was an hour long conversation or just smiling at me more. You truly never know how a simple interaction can change someone's day around. Showing some form of positive emotion to another human who is trying their best can completely turn their day around. Never underestimate the power of a smile or random act of kindness. Small acts of kindness are more meaningful, in my opinion, to the large, outgoing gestures. Power in simplicity. 

People are rooting for you, regardless of if you're aware or not. People want to see you get to the other side. People want to see you win. People want to see you be loved and they want to show you love. People want to make sure you're okay. The ones that don't want any of those things for you deserve the unfollow and block buttons- both in life and online. I was surrounded with good people and I still am. God set me up for success in that field, even when I wondered why I was in the situation I was in. 

​It also comes down to energy in and energy out. What you put out is exactly what will be reciprocated. This is part of the balance. The tough times that you don't think you can get through, or more treacherously- the ones you don't want to get through, make your at-peace and happy moments that more important and rewarding. (can I reference my tattoo now or is that overdone?)

I am happier now than I thought I could be because I had to go through the hardest place. Shitty things still happen but I feel more equipped to handle them because of the tough days. From the most dark place I have ever encountered to now, I have had an abundance of good things happen but they didn't happen over night. They derived from hard work, resilience, many cry sessions, and even panic attacks. It is a part of life. There is some purpose in everything. Sometimes a door has to be slammed shut so hard that it ends up locking itself. That lock will motivate you to kick others open. 

I started this post in April, 3 days before my Yiayia passed away. She passed away the night after a milestone happened for me regarding the music industry. The fluctuations of life keep us humble and on our toes I suppose. I am not going to let this sink me back down but I now know how to process the emotions and allow myself to feel them. Life keeps happening and I don't think that will stop, but it's all about learning. 

These events and some others have led to so much reflection. My goal, in anything I do, is to make a positive impact on others. Processing events and "down" periods can be used as fuel for the goals and intention to do better. I definitely feel like it has helped shaped my words and actions to be better. Life will not be the same but if the past year has taught me anything, it is that you have no other option than to keep going. Keep moving. Withdrawing the victim mentality that "bad things happen to me" is a game changer. I rarely adapt this mentality but did for a little and that was toxic. Bad shit happens to everyone. All the time. It is just all about perspective, attitude, and reaction.

​It is okay to sit and process your emotions. That took me longer than it should have to learn. Processing and dwelling are two completely different things, and the difference is the intention behind both of them. Dwelling: not being willing or able to move on, lack of acceptance, more on the victim mentality side (all in my opinion so take it with a grain of salt). Processing: working towards acceptance, allowing the feelings- good and bad- to come as they will, and using what you've learned as armor to be better equipped for future scenarios.

This was all to say that you can't tell what is going on in someone's life through a screen or even through passing by. Find people and let them boost you- they genuinely want to. If you don't have people who want to see good in you, reach out to me because I believe we all have good potential and we will achieve it if we believe we can. Use what you're going through as fuel for resilience and remaining steadfast in what your goals are. If you want to spend time with someone, do it. If you want to say something to someone, do it. If you want to go after something and have goals to accomplish, just freaking do it. Can't tell if I'm sounding like a Pinterest board or a Cody Johnson song (Till You Can't) but whatever does the trick, I'll take it. 

I am genuinely fine now. I don't need pity or an excess amount of sympathy (send songs instead haha), I just feel that since I share the accomplishments, business things, and good parts of life, I would share this side too to maintain balance, transparency, and honesty. Authenticity and genuineness will go further than a filter. 

Finally,

Exodus 14:14 (my favorite verse, ever). Even if you're not religious- its essence is that things will work out how they're supposed to. You're just meant to remain still.